


bitter cotton candy

by warsena



Series: all my life I've been so lonely, all in the name of being holy [1]
Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, it's cute, post-341, rated t for cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:35:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27568372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warsena/pseuds/warsena
Summary: Cotton candy dissolves in water, and Mo Guan Shan dissolves in his feelings, falling apart, breaking down. For a cotton candy, it takes a couple of seconds – for him, it takes fifteen years, years and months and weeks and days of bitter tears, that Mo Guan Shan cannot contemplate now.// post 341 chapter
Relationships: He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days)
Series: all my life I've been so lonely, all in the name of being holy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2015086
Comments: 4
Kudos: 142





	bitter cotton candy

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote it in the middle of a mental breakdown because of my uni, hello. I think it's cute? I guess? Post chapter 341. It's my first time to actually trying to write anything more than short dumb drabble in English, so it's probably not perfect, but I quite like it and I enjoyed writing it. I actually want to write about them more, so I hope this will work out...

Cotton candy dissolves in water.

He was five when he learnt about it – when his pink and white cotton candy just disappeared, melting like ice creams on the desert, and his hands were too sweet and too adhesive, sticking to a long, white stick that was left from his candy. It was raining, and the day was humid, and his dad laughed at the way he would waggle his arms around, looking for his sweet, _sweet_ cotton candy.

Now, over ten years later, Mo Guan Shan wished that he was that fucking cotton candy.

“What the fuck!”

There were a big splash and a lot of water, _really fucking cold water,_ and now, he kind of wanted to cry. He wouldn’t, of course, not with that asshole around him (he shoved the memories of the moment when he _did_ cry in front of He Tian deeper into his brain, it’s _not_ a time for this!) and – firstly, he needed to kill He Tian.

Stab him. Drown him. Maybe choke him, but something told him, that this ass would probably _enjoy it,_ and Mo Guan Shan really couldn’t deal with this shit. So, stabbing (or drowning) seemed like the best idea.

“Fuck—are you okay?”

Mo Guan Shan breathed a sigh of relief when He Tian’s hands left his body. Good, yeah. There was nothing _moral_ about He Tian being this close, this _fucking close,_ that Mo Guan Shan could almost smell the faint scent of his shampoo and feel how his muscles worked under a fluffy and soft bathrobe, and—

Oh God, He Tian was still _glaring_ at him.

“Fuck you,” he responded, now wanting to just stand up and run away. Somewhere. To home, probably, his mother would be worried if he stayed out late. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Wrong question. Or wording, surely. The smile on He Tian’s face made Mo Guan Shan want to vomit, hit him and ki— _nothing else_ at the same time.

“Do you prefer to take baths, Little Mo?”

“Do you prefer to be kicked or slapped?”

From the look of He Tian’s eyes, for a moment, Mo Guan Shan thought that this is – _he is going to die._ Instead of drowning this asshole himself, he is going to drown Mo Guan Shan, just like that, even before he can reach the prime of his life—

“You didn’t hit your head, did you?”

For a moment, Mo Guan Shan considered saying that yes – _he did,_ and now _he is dying,_ and the most important, _he needs to be transported to his home immediately._ On the other hand, even if He Tian was _the He Tian,_ Mo Guan Shan wasn’t that big of a dick to trouble him for real.

It made him even madder when he thought about the recent days.

“Mo Guan Shan?”

Oh, now he sounded _worried._

“I’m fine,” he hissed loudly, trying to get out of this fucking _bath,_ full of cold, cold water, that should probably dissolve him here and there, so he can finally achieve the peace of mind that wasn’t him given for—

“Do you—”

“Don’t touch me!”

He Tian’s expression darkened, but after a moment, he backed down, letting Mo Guan Shan get out of the bath on his own. His legs were shaky, and he didn’t want to even think _why_ – because, _oh Lord,_ today everything was just too much to bear. For now, he just needed to get out.

So, he got up and stood on the white, cold tiles, still wet from the splash when he had been thrown into the bath. Well, to be fair, He Tian had almost killed himself falling just beside, knees hitting the floor hard, but even then, He Tian still hold onto the redhead. 

His hair was wet. Mo Guan Shan’s hair was wet. Goddammit, he was just _wet,_ from the top to the bottom, his hair, his shirt, his pants and his underwear, and now, when he stood up on those dumb, slippery tiles, the wet became even his _socks._

His beloved socks.

“You look nice.” He Tian smiled towards him, looking like an even bigger asshole than before. “Want me to help you take everything off?”

For a moment, Mo Guan Shan just wanted to cry. His treacherous cheeks turned red in a fraction of the second with a thought of what exactly He Tian was _suggesting_ , while he tried his best to keep his composure. 

“I hate you.”

He Tian’s smile grew even larger.

“You really don’t.”

“I _despise_ you.”

“If you would, you wouldn’t be here,” he said slowly, taking a step towards Mo Guan Shan, who started to shiver a little. Because it was cold, _of course._ “But you’re always here when I need you.”

“Because you can’t fucking take care of yourself—”

“Or you care?”

“I don’t.”

“You do.”

“Do not.”

“Do too.”

“ _Do no—”_

Mo Guan Shan closed his mouth and backed off a little, almost tripping over the _fucking_ bath when He Tian came even closer. The only thing in his mind now was the way He Tian gripped his thighs firmly, holding him so close, that Mo Guan Shan will probably soon dream about it.

It was annoying – the way this real-life He Tian had been creeping his way into Mo Guan Shan, welcoming him with open arms/mouth/legs in his dreams.

“You do,” he said softly. “If you didn’t, you would ignore my texts.” His fingers brushed against Mo Guan Shan’s cheek, as he fought the desire to bite his fingers. “So, conclusion: you care about me, but you’re too shy to admit it.”

Mo Guan Shan wanted to be a cotton candy – disappear, be so unimportant, that nobody will even bat an eye when he is gone. He felt like he was dissolving anyway; He Tian’s soft fingertips steadily gliding down, touching Mo Guan Shan’s face in an oddly gentle way, the way that no one else has done before.

And oh, _what Mo Guan Shan ever did to deserve it?_

“I’m going home.”

He Tian raised his eyebrows, looking him up and down, while Mo Guan Shan had fought to move.

“Not going to change? I can give you something if you ask nicely, you know.”

He preferred to die than wear He Tian’s clothes.

“No.”

“Then you going to stay?”

“Why are you so fucking de—”

“So, you’re going to go home in the wet clothes,” he asked, approaching him even more. “What do you think people would think? What auntie will—”

“Can you shut up already?”

“You can shut me up if you want,” he replayed swiftly. Mo Guan Shan blinked, looking at him unsure. “There is one, effective and _really fun_ way to do it, if you want, Little Mo—”

And now, he was even closer; one of his hands gripping Mo Guan Shan arm, his knee shoved between Mo Guan Shan’s, and the edge of the bath painfully digging into the redhead’s calves.

“W-what?”

“Want me to show you?”

He Tian breathed slowly, his breath tickling Mo Guan Shan’s skin. He was so, so _close_. His body, face, fucking _lips;_ his eyes were wide open, as He Tian was looking, _observing,_ like he was waiting for something – maybe for a nod, maybe for a violent shove. Simply – an _answer._

There was a thing about He Tian, that Mo Guan Shan learned weeks ago – he always got what he wanted, no matter the cost, no matter the causalities. He just took, just because wanted to, and _could,_ so why would he ever wait?

To laugh? That was all, wasn’t it? At the end of the day, Mo Guan Shan was just a funny scared animal, that He Tian could do anything with.

He should tell him to _fuck off._

“Don’t kiss me,” he said instead.

He didn’t sound… _worried._ Or scared. It was something else – the weird craving for something incomprehensible, or maybe for something he couldn’t comprehend yet, or didn’t want to admit too. He Tian is standing too close to focus on anything else than his slow, steady breath, tickling Mo Guan Shan’s skin. Time seemed to slow down – and with that, He Tian’s hand, slowly stroking his arm, was even more ubiquitous.

He Tian raised his eyes, looking him into the eyes for a split second. And for a fraction of the second, Mo Guan Shan thought he would just laugh; say something like ‘ _I wouldn’t ever seriously try to kiss you’_ , or ‘ _why are you so serious about that_ ’, or ‘ _what the fuck_ ’. Maybe hit him, shove him, whatever, tell him that this is absolutely disgusting – they were both _boys,_ after all.

Boys don’t kiss boys. Boys don’t even care about other boys, they don’t look at them, they don’t think about them, they— _they don’t._ Mo Guan Shan knew that, but now, he couldn’t help to shiver and blush and _think about stuff_ every time He Tian did some stupid shit.

It was his fault.

“Okay.” He shifted slightly, tilting his head, but not taking his hands-off Mo Guan Shan. “I won’t kiss you unless you ask me to.”

Cotton candy dissolves in water, and Mo Guan Shan dissolves in his feelings, falling apart, breaking down. For a cotton candy, it takes a couple of seconds – for him, it takes fifteen years, years and months and weeks and days of bitter tears, that Mo Guan Shan _cannot_ contemplate now.

Everything, from the moment he thought about what shouldn’t ever think about, to now, when they stood in front of He Tian, so close, that Mo Guan Shan thought that he will die. But now, the only thing his head was their trip – the way He Tian hugged him, holding him close just enough, touching his neck, and ruffling his hair with ‘I’m fine, dumbass’ smile.

He didn’t want to kiss him, but maybe, _maybe_ there was something else here.

“I won’t—” He sucked his breath, trying to help the tremble in his voice. “I won’t ask you.”

Not yet. Not for another week, month, maybe a year, maybe a three, four, the rest of his life. He didn’t want to _tell him_ – of course, but for a moment, with a glimmer of something undisclosed in the frigid, greyish eyes of He Tian, he thought that yes, _he knows._

“Okay.”

And just like that, he backed down. A step, a two, a three, enough for Mo Guan Shan to hunch over and take a deep, slow breath, trying his best not to show anything on his face.

“I wanna go home.”

A soft, youthful smile crept onto He Tian’s face, and slowly, he just nodded his head towards Mo Guan Shan.

“… then go.”

(“Oh, you’re la— _honey_ , why are your clothes wet?”

“… it’s— _oh, mom,_ I—I dunno.”

“You _don’t know_ why your clothes are wet?”

“I—yeah. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

“Oh, don’t cry about clothes, we will just dry them! Everything is fine, don’t cry, c'mon, we will do something about it.”)


End file.
